Pressing Reset On The Health Care Debate

Folks, beginning tonight America embarks on a bold new course in our health care system. It's true that right now we are losing the debate. There is no question that our ideas have not connected with the American people. But when Barack takes to the microphone tonight, a new slogan will be born that will surely touch the hearts of all our citizens. NO MORE ITCHY NUTS



Shame on this country for not having a health care system that deals with the epidemic of itchy nuts that has plagued this man for far to long. Change is coming America. No longer will you be forced to wiggle your legs together while handcuffed and questioned by the police. Barack will cure your itchy nuts

I Need Your Help

Folks, I need your help. I took this picture and the polaroid still hasn't come out yet. I've been fiddlin around with this damn camera for two hours trying to find where the picture will slide out. I've been shaking it and hitting it. I thought it was just playing a trick on me, so I put it on a chair and pretended I wasn't looking at it for like 10 minutes. Still nothin. Please leave any helpful ideas in the comment section of this website number.

Funny Story

During a top secret meeting on North Korea I was checking my iphone under the desk and reading the comments of my last post about my VP portrait. My good friend Kravchick asked a helluva question:

And if this VP gig goes to heck you should remake CHIPS with Eric Estrada! Wait, is Estrada still alive?

Well, it's funny that you mention it. Erik Estrada is alive and currently not speaking to me. Back during the campaign I met up with him in California. We stopped into a Walmart together. While in the checkout line I slipped a pack of gum into his pocket when he wasn't looking. On the way out of the store the alarm went off. He was frisked and arrested on the spot. I was laughing so hard I almost threw up. Turns out that was his third strike. He's currently on death row and won't return my phone calls. Guy sure can hold a grudge.

Vote On My Official Vice President Portrait UPDATE- We Have A Winner

Folks, if you know me, then you know Joey is an ideas person. I thrive on creativity and pushing the envelope. Well, thats exactly what I'm going to do today. For the first time in the history of this planet, or earth, people are going to be able to decide the Vice Presidents official portrait.







I call this one- The Sheriff

Here I am with my crew


Or do I go the way of Prince and just become a symbol


Vote
A for The Sheriff
B For my crew
C for Amtrak (one love)

UPDATE- The winner is A: The Sheriff. Those who voted can tell their grandkids they made history!

Very Funny Rhode Island

Imagine my horror when I saw this headline today- Rhode Island To Alter Name

Is this some kind of sick joke? Does Rhode Island know how many hours we spend with Barack going over states and capitals? Just last week Barry actually admitted there might be evidence to suggest we have less than 57 states. Then Rhode Island goes and pulls a stunt like this. If you even think of going thru with this, I will use my constitutionally given powers to kidnap your most famous resident, Lloyd Christmas. I just got off the phone with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who said if this change goes thru it could confuse Barack beyond repair. So much so, that not even a teleprompter could save him. I hope you realize what's at stake. Do the right thing Rhode Island!


P.S. Delaware would kick your ass!

I Murdered A Monkey

If people were upset about Barack murdering a fly, they are not going to be happy about this story. At approximately 3 am we received an urgent phone call and were assembled in the Situation Room. We were made aware of a monkey that was running around Zambia urinating on that countries President.

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to journalists at a news conference on Wednesday.

Banda softly shouted: "You (monkey) have urinated on my jacket," and paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in a tree just above his chair.

Now clearly we can't take the risk of this monkey somehow making its way to the United States. Everybody knows that once a monkey pisses on you, your street cred is gone. Barack knew that People magazine wouldn't even return a phone call, let alone give him another cover, if this monkeys attack was succesful. We assembled the Joint Chiefs to give us a timeline on how quickly we could drop a nuclear bomb on Zambia. They felt this would be too strong a response, and explained they had battle plans for countries like Iran and North Korea. Barack leaned over to me and whispered, "who?"

I suggested we move to DEFCON 1 as I was fearful this monkey could strike at anytime. At this point, the Joint Chiefs got up and walked out. Once that happened, Rahm Emmanuel came in with the latest polling data that showed public support for monkeys was slipping. That's all President Obama needed to here. He ordered that this would be an inside job. Bill Ayers gave me a couple tips and then I was on my way. New Jersey Gov. Tim Kaine and I were flown to a small island in the Atlantic ocean. From there we flew a hot air balloon to Zambia where I then stole a kids bike and located the monkey. We even framed the monkey with this picture which would prove it was self defense on my part. Bastard tried to hit me with a stick.




Check out the bike!!

There Is No Joe And Kate!

People magazine plans on running this picture with a story that says Im the reason for the break up of Jon and Kate. Folks, that's more ridiculous than FDRs speech on TV in '29. For the last time, we're just friends.